A christening in Meath and a pair of tights twelve centimetres too short in the body sent me back to the labels. This is an analytical guide to children's occasion legwear for the Irish turn of season: what denier and fibre content actually mean, why cuff depth and leg height decide whether socks stay up, and why age is the weakest size on the packet. It ends with a scored comparison of knee-highs, ankle socks and tights across the school return, the September wedding season and early-autumn christenings.